237: If You’re Not Motivated, Do This.
Aug 21, 2025
Habit Building: Unlocking Real Motivation
People love to say that you can’t rely on motivation—you just need discipline. But what if you could unlock your motivation so that habit building became easier and more natural? I’ve spent over 15 years coaching people in both fitness and business, and I’ve seen firsthand that the problem isn’t motivation itself—it’s how we approach it.
Most advice is backward. The typical narrative is “just force yourself.” That might work for a short period, but eventually, people quit—even after months or years of trying. The real answer lies in building habits the right way, by aligning with what you actually want.
Why Habit Building Beats Forcing Discipline
When I first started coaching, I worked with special operators in Air Force Special Operations Command. These were some of the most motivated and disciplined individuals you could imagine. They didn’t need habit building—they just followed the plan.
But once I transitioned to working with civilians, I saw the gap. It wasn’t about the plan—it was about sticking to the plan. Forcing discipline worked for a while, but long-term success came from building habits around intrinsic motivation.
That’s where Self Determination Theory came in—a research-backed framework from the 1970s that explains how motivation truly works. Habit building isn’t about grinding harder; it’s about aligning with what drives you at your core.
The 3 Keys to Habit Building Through Self Determination Theory
Competence – Are you getting better at something? Progress fuels motivation.
Autonomy – Did you choose the activity? Habit building only works when you pick things you actually want to do.
Relatedness – Do you have a community? Motivation thrives when others are on the journey with you.
When you combine these three elements, habit building becomes natural instead of forced.
The One Question That Unlocks Motivation
Here’s how 40 years of research can be summed up in a single question:
What are you getting better at that you actually want to get better at, and who can you do it with?
That’s it. If you can answer this question honestly, you’ll have the foundation for habit building that lasts.
Practical Examples of Habit Building
Fitness: Instead of running because “you should,” choose kettlebells if you enjoy them. Kettlebells allow you to build competence (skills like swings, snatches, Turkish get-ups), autonomy (you chose it), and relatedness (train with friends or a community).
Business: Instead of doing endless face-to-face meetings if you hate them, embrace digital advertising. You’ll still reach your goals, but through a skill you want to improve. Find a group of entrepreneurs doing the same thing, and suddenly habit building for business growth becomes enjoyable and sustainable.
The point is simple: you can’t force motivation forever. But if you build habits around autonomy, competence, and community, you’ll create a self-reinforcing cycle of progress.
Final Thought
Habit building isn’t just about willpower—it’s about design. Choose what you want, build competence, and surround yourself with others. That’s how you unlock motivation and create habits that last a lifetime.
Try harder.
Time-Stamped Show Notes
00:30 – Why “just discipline” doesn’t work long term
01:20 – Coaching special operators vs civilians
02:10 – Discovering the real gap: sticking to the plan
03:00 – Introduction to Self Determination Theory
04:00 – The three pillars: competence, autonomy, relatedness
05:05 – The one question that unlocks motivation
05:45 – Example: habit building with kettlebells vs running
06:35 – Example: habit building in business with digital ads
07:25 – Why forcing yourself eventually fails
08:10 – How habit building makes success sustainable
