how to say no

Summary

learning to say no is a superpower. if you’re not saying no to things, you’re running someone else’s schedule. you’re busy, overwhelmed, stressed, and underperforming everywhere because nothing in your life is getting enough of you.

1. early in entrepreneurship I had skills and relationships, so people wanted me to do stuff. I said yes for the money. that doesn’t play long term. you have to get focused, and the hardest no is saying no to income now so you can earn more later.

2. recent example. my middle son is good at soccer, on a select team, and a new coach asked if I’d help coach. I almost said yes. then I thought about it. all in is my default, and “all in” here meant certifications, watching film, becoming a real soccer coach. I have three kids, multiple companies, a marriage, fitness. I wouldn’t actually do it well.

3. so I said no. but not “I’m too busy” no. I explained the whole thing. I’d want to go all in, get the certifications, study the game, and if I can’t give that level of effort, the other coach and every kid on that team deserve someone who can. people take that response way better than a brush off.

4. when you stuff your calendar with things you can’t give 100% to, two stress layers stack up. one, the time stress of running between things. two, the worse one, the dawning sense that everything in your life is getting 10% of you and nothing is getting what it deserves. dad, husband, founder, athlete, none of it works at 10%.

5. audit your schedule this week. find one thing you should say no to right now. and when the next opportunity shows up, big or small, ask whether it deserves a no so the bigger ones can have you fully. if that sounds like too much work, try harder.

Transcript

no is a superpower

The most impactful business is the business that genuinely improves another human, a better human business. And to grow a business like this, you have to continually improve yourself. This podcast is a documentation of that thesis, scaling businesses and also personal growth. My goal is for you to shortcut this journey.

So if you’re ready to try hard, subscribe. If you like what you’re hearing, please share and enjoy. Do you know how to say no? Learning to say no becomes a superpower and early on. You know, I could say this is an entrepreneurial lesson, but it’s also just a life lesson. If you’re not saying no to things, then you are probably running a schedule that is not your own.

You’re busy. You’re overwhelmed. You’re stressed out. And so what does look like for me early on in entrepreneurship, I already had plenty of skills, but I wasn’t making the amount of money I really wanted to make. And so I was doing a lot of different odd jobs. So I was being paid 1099 from, you know, probably four or five different sources, aka bosses.

And I also had my own business that I was running and I was just so overwhelmed. I was doing too many things. I really had to narrow it down. And the reason I was doing too many things is just I had these skills. I had some relationships. People wanted me to do stuff for them. And so I would do it mainly for money.

But ultimately, that doesn’t play out in the long run. You have to get really focused and you have to say no to a lot of things. And when that can be the most painful is when you’re saying no to income, you know now. So like I know this will be X dollars per month for me, but I’m saying no to it. So I can focus more to grow, you know, grow more in the future.

juggling odd jobs for income

So it’s saying no to dollars now for yes to dollars later. And this happens all the time. I mean, this just happened to me recently. And I’m sure you can relate. I’m an all in type of person. Whatever I’m doing, I like to be all in and I like to just know everything about it, be an expert and just go all in.

It doesn’t really matter what it is. That’s also why I don’t do a lot of different things because I don’t think I actually have the stamina or capacity to be that as good as I’d like to be at all the different things I could pick up and do as hobbies. But even over the last week or two, I was asked about coaching my son’s soccer team or assisting with that.

And so my son, my middle son, he’s really good at soccer. He’s really good at soccer. And he’s on a select team and they’re starting these new teams in our local area and stuff and he’s being invited to all these different teams. And one of the new teams that was being started, they asked me specifically, hey, could you help coach with this new team?

And while I have coaching experience, more strength and conditioning and I know how to manage groups and people and I could run speed and agility drills and all those kind of things, I don’t know a lot about soccer. I didn’t really play it growing up. My son got into it pretty early. So everything I do know is from having watched him play over the last several years.

I’ve learned a lot of things, but I’m still so far from ever being a good soccer coach. This is me talking logically now. When the person asked, I was like, I didn’t say no right away. I was like, let me think about it. And part of the reason I want to think about it was, you know, I kind of wanted to coach my son’s soccer team or coach and be like, be a part of it.

the soccer coach offer

But the more I thought about it, I was like, I don’t know that much about soccer. I can be way better off with someone who knows more about soccer. I’m going to be at all the soccer practices anyway, it’s just whether or not I should actually do it. Because what I started thinking about was like, okay, I’m going to go get all the certifications I need to be a great soccer coach.

Apparently there are certifications they send you to for this, to coach at this level. So I’ll do all the certifications, I’ll start studying soccer, I’ll watch film. These are my actual thoughts. Like I’m like, I’m just going to become an amazing soccer coach, even though I have very little experience playing soccer, I decided I’m going to watch all these film, I’m going to become an expert at it, I’m going to get all these certifications and I am going to coach my son to success in soccer long term.

And so that was my short term thinking. Luckily, greater minds prevailed, I had time to think about it. And ultimately I was like, you know what, I can’t realistically do all of those things. I might start, but given my capacity, again, three kids, entrepreneurship, everything else, like I won’t really be able to dive in as much as I want.

So like in a perfect world, I probably could be a pretty good soccer coach, still nowhere near the realm of someone who has 20, 30 years experience, but I probably could be good. In reality, when the rubber meets the road, I wouldn’t be as good at it as I want because I’m going to get in that being torn in too many directions and something’s going to suffer.

That’s the reality. And that’s the reality of everything in our lives when we don’t say no. And so what I ended up telling this person was no, I cannot coach, I will be around, I can help out, but I cannot be a soccer coach. I just don’t have the capacity to be a good soccer coach. Maybe if it was something else and I already had the years of experience, I would consider it.

how i actually said no

But I had to tell this person no, and I think this is where people struggle, is with actually telling someone no. I was intrigued by this, it wasn’t immediate no for me, I was actually like, hey, coaching my son’s team would be cool, maybe a deeper relationship between me and my kid, those were kind of my thoughts and those are big drivers for me.

But ultimately, I had to say no. And so how I say no is very different than just being like, nah, I don’t want to do that. I let people know basically everything I just told you. I’m like, hey, I’m an all-in type of person, and so if I were to do this, I would want to go all-in, I’d want to get all the certifications, I’d want to watch film, I’d want to just become such a great soccer coach.

That’s how I would have to execute this to feel like I’m actually doing it. And anything less than that, then I feel like I’d be doing a disservice to my son, everyone else on the team, and then you as a coach as well. So I think I’m going to have to pass on this opportunity, I really appreciate you thinking of me for the opportunity, but since I cannot give it the effort that I would want, I don’t have the capacity right now, it’s just something I can’t entertain right now, and I really hate that, but it’s the truth.

People take that kind of response to no a lot better than, no, I’m too busy. Because in reality, I might be too busy to take it on, but that’s not the full truth, it’s I could take it on, but I’m not going to be as good at it as I want, and the other coach deserves me to be better at it, and every single kid on the team deserves me being better at it.

So I would rather have someone come in who has 15 years coaching experience and just already be able to implement all the things that would take me 15 years to learn. And so that is how you can start saying no. Let people know that you don’t have the capacity to do what they’re requesting as well as it deserves, they deserve, or as well as you’d even want.

audit your calendar

It’s not something you’d want to put your name on because you can’t give it the effort that it requires. And that just becomes the reality of so many different things. Because what happens is when you are like me, if you are this all-in type of person, you want to do things really well to the best of your ability when you’re going to do them, what happens is your calendar starts to fill up and then stress starts to overwhelm you because your calendar is so full.

And then once your calendar gets full, there’s time stress, right? It’s like, okay, I’m going from one thing to the next, one thing to the next, one thing to the next. That’s one level of stress. It’s the actual doing of everything. Now the second layer of stress for me specifically is the fact that I’m so time poor now that I’m starting to feel like I’m not doing anything in my life well.

Like I’m not doing the soccer coach thing well, I’m not doing the business thing well, I’m not doing the dad thing well, I’m not doing the husband thing well, I’m not doing the fitness thing well because I’m so time poor. Everything’s getting about 10% of my attention here, but nothing is getting enough attention that it deserves.

So I would take a second, if I were you, look at your schedule, audit your activities, and see if there’s something that you should be saying no to right now. And then also, when a new opportunity comes along, however small or however big, do you or should you say no to it so you can focus on the bigger opportunity later and give everything in your life the attention it deserves now?

Start looking at that, start thinking about it. And I’m thinking about this week, but that’s it for this one. Remember, if you don’t kill comfort, comfort will kill you. So get uncomfortable, look at the schedule, try harder.